Monday, November 2, 2009


Lately, I've been trying to find time to be silent. And I don't mean just no speaking. I mean no speaking, hearing, listening, technological stimuli, nothing. Silence. And believe it or not, it is really hard. To someone who has a life filled constantly with people and entertainment, silence is dull. But more than that, it scares me.
Silence is as unforgiving as nakedness. Nothing concealed. When I exist in silence, I cannot withold information from myself the way I wish to.
I argue with myself in the silence. Constant, interminable, exhausting arguments about things that do not make me proud. About ways, for example, to show off my skills in order to obtain the admiration of those around me. And then I argue with myself about how I should not be concerned with self-gratifying goals but with actually helping people.
It makes me wish. And whoever thought I would come to this. But it makes me wish I wasn't good with words, good at speaking, or at least that I didn't THINK myself to be good at these things.
How do I separate them from myself? I am so exhausted with the onslaught of guilt that comes from my prideful moments, wishing that I could help other people instead of myself - painfully aware that every time I aim to bolster myself, I probably fail to help a person who needs it. And then the moment passes and it's too late.
Paul said 'when I am weak, then I am strong', because he knew that God used him most in his moments of weakness. But it feels as though the opposite is true of me - when I am strong, then I am weak. Because I focus so intently on my own strengths that God is unable to use me.
I stray from the central subject. Isaiah 30.15 says :
In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
Maybe silence is something that becomes easier with time. Like exercise does (or so I've heard). If I persevere, perhaps I will be made stronger for recognising the depth of my own weaknesses.

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